As with all things in life, some are better when they’re together: peanut butter and jelly, strawberries and champagne, steak and eggs, cock and latex and so on. It’s long since been a tradition of taking two things that are awesome and combining them with one another to make one big Mega-Awesome. I have two examples of this, ready at hand, and both are happening at the same night on Wednesday evening in Vancouver.
If you’ve been following my exploits for any length of time (and I know you have because you are a smart individual) then you’ll know when I did my last tour I did it with another dancer named Calamity Kate (aka Kate Kroll). In addition to being a burlesque dancer who literally does the bump and grind with a grinder, she is also a talented filmmaker. I seem to have more than my fair share of these people in my life, but I’m totally okay with that. Going for coffee to get away from the band, we found a good activity for therapy, which was to write a script together. We got home and Kate wasted no time casting it with other burlesque dancers in Vancouver and producing and directing it. So right there, you’ve got a short film, populated by local Vancouver burlesque talent. It’s called Happily Ever Evil.
Secondly, when I used to tour nine months out of the year, my travels often times took me to Calgary. There, I met a man named Jonathan Joffe who, being a burlesque aficionado who I’d breath Jagermeister fumes over, would later go on to make a film featuring a great many burlesque dancers from around the world. He also had them as killers. Ladies and gentlemen, my first example of two good things together: The Burlesque Assassins.
My second example of two good things together is that prior to the screening of the Burlesque Assassins, we will also be screening aforementioned film ‘Happily Ever Evil’. So come Wednesday evening, hit the red carpet at 7:30 at the Rio Theatre in Vancouver and come see what happens when two good things come together. If you want to check out the Facebook invite, you can clickey here.
However, the burlesque/assassin combo got me to thinking, since there are so many of us out there now in the burlesque world, that we are all well equipped and capable of being feather fan ninjas and clippers of commonplace. On a day to day basis we fight the boring, the banal which is where burlesque was birthed from: theatre for everyone to enjoy and being a little on the salacious and blue side. However, we live in a modern world and there are few skill sets for self defence that we can employ without needing any kind of special Black Ops training.
How To Choke A Man With Your Bare Thighs
You come well equipped to handle any situation when you can use force against someone who is using force against you. So whether you choose to do this bare-thighed or in stockings, here are the steps to choke a person with your legs from either a standing or prone position. Perfect for when some idiot thinks that ‘no’ means ‘yes’.
1) Knock your opponent to their knees.
Your opponent should be on all fours, what’s known as ‘doggie style’. To bring them to this position use either of these techniques:
*Kick your opponent in the back, between the shoulder blades so they fall to the floor
*Stand behind your opponent. Place one foot in front of their feet and push them forward, essentially tripping the over your front foot and to the ground.
You can also suggest sexual relations so that they may assume the position voluntarily.
2) Straddle your opponent’s neck between your thighs.
Step or jump over your opponent’s shoulders so that their head is between your thighs. As you land over your opponent’s head and neck, run your fingers through their hair, grab a clump and pull their head and neck back. No hair? Use their ears. Close your legs around his neck by pressing together at the knees. The initial jolt of your landing will help you secure their neck. Do not sit on their back. Remain standing.
3) Quickly release pressure for an instant to assume a position with more solid footing.
As you release, lower yourself so that your opponent’s neck is fitted securely under your pelvis. Bend slightly at the knees, flatten your feet for solid footing, and bring your feet closer together.
4) Reapply pressure by squeezing at the knees.
With a swift motion, press your thighs tightly together. Extend your arms as needed for balance.
5) Straighten your knees to take your opponent off balance.
Continue to deliver pressure inward and stand up. This will raise your opponent slightly from the floor and take away any leverage they may have.
6) Box your opponent’s ears to keep them subdued.
Extend your arms slightly in front of your body into a ‘T’ formation, with your palms open and facing the floor. Bring your hands down and together on your opponent’s ears – like your applauding and their head happens to be there.
7) Pull their chin toward your head.
Wrap both of your hands under their chin and pull firmly upward. This will keep your opponent locked firmly in place between your thighs.
8) Hold this position until they become unconscious or is stunned enough for you to leave them out cold.
From A Prone Position
To choke someone with your thighs from a prone position, your opponent should be standing over you. Lie on your back with your legs bent at the knees and your feet flat on the floor.
1) Use both hands to grab your opponent at the bicep and chest.
Grab either loose clothing or actual muscle. With your left hand, grab onto the outside of their right arm, between the shoulder and elbow. With your right hand, grab your opponent at their chest.
2) With your left foot, lock your opponent at the hip.
Insert your foot into your opponent’s right hip. It should fit snugly as they bend forward. Keep your foot firmly pressed against the hip to secure your opponent in place.
3) With your right foot, deliver three swift kicks to their groin.
Man or lady, this will hurt. This should disable your opponent.
4) Raise your right leg straight up between your opponent’s head and your right arm.
5) Bring your opponent’s neck down to your right thigh.
Kick your opponent’s hip out with your left foot (already in position) while pulling your opponent into place with your arms. The left side of their neck should be on the inside of your right thigh and his left shoulder immobilized.
6) Bring your opponent’s right torso to your left thigh.
Be sure to clear your left leg so that is outside of – and not under – your opponent. Pull their right arm down to your chest. Their armpit should be pinned on the inside of your left thigh.
7) Lock your legs around your opponent’s neck and arm.
Bend your right leg at the knee across the top of their shoulders and back of their neck. Raise your left leg and bend it over your right ankle so that your knees lock together.
8) Secure your opponent’s right arm.
Wrap your left arm over your opponent’s right arm and secure it under your armpit. This will prevent them from being able to gouge, scratch or fight back.
9) Squeeze hips and thighs together to render your opponent unconscious.
SOURCE: Robert Hodgkin, Jennifer Worick and Joe Borgenicht (The Action Heroine’s Handbook)
There you go: I’ve planned your Wednesday evening for you to support some local and out of town arts, and some good basic life skills. I do it because I love you.
Little Miss Risk
PS: You can follow the Burlesque Assassins on Twitter at @BA_Film to find out when it’s coming to your town if your outside of Vancouver.