One of the biggest black holes to my time management is cats on the internet. I’m not alone on this – far from it. If I walked into a room right now, and told everyone loudly that I was a coke addict, and I couldn’t go more than twenty minutes without doing a line, people would shun me (or hustle me for some) and make little ‘tsk’ noises. However, if I were to say that I was unable to go a day without checking a cat video, funny meme or the like, everyone would pull out iPhones and try to top one another with cuteness. I promist you this is true. Which is to say, having an addiction to cats on the internet is a very socially acceptable one, mostly because everyone on the planet with internet access is also some degree of addict.
Thus, it stands to reason that if you read my blog, you likely check out, or have other people bring to your attention, cats on the internet, and therefore you’ve heard of Tard (short for Tadar Sauce) The Grumpy Cat. Star of multiple memes, YouTube, and even a line of t-shirts, Tard’s pessimistic looking visage graces many a monitor screen. Though not petulant by nature, her memes all stem from the negative, and the judgey. So I figured who better to judge my self-styled feline photos of myself as a cat, than Tard?
(Seriously, this is the most stupid and self indulgent blog I’ve done, but I’m well into the Merlot, so fuck it. And my ego is better than yours.)
Because imitation is the highest form of flattery, I’d say dressing up outside one’s species is a pretty big compliment. But before you confuse me with some low-level self-denying furry, allow me to introduce to you, the judge of this blog, the one and only web-famous Tard!
Okay, so now that I’ve established a certain number of search engine hits by including Tard, let me state there is a motivation to having a legit feline here: that until one has walked in another’s shoes, one cannot judge another’s path, and since I have spent a great deal of my life harvesting cat poops out of litter boxes, I feel a certain kinship to these deeply mystical creatures…
Tard: Oh yes, the ubiquitous leopard-print one piece? Guess I’m not the only one who’s ‘tarded round here, hmm? Good thing your ‘cleaning’ your ears. Otherwise people might not have caught on. You know, that your a cat. Next.
Tard: *sigh* You realize that by donning kitty ears and underpants and trying to align yourself with the term ‘sex kitten’ that you should, by all rights, attract only pedophiliac beastiality enthusiasts to you, right?
Tard: Kinda sums it up, doesn’t it?
Tard: Wha – What kind of bargin basement Michael Jackson Thriller shit is this? Seriously, not even cat ears? Just straight to the make up? Honestly, it’s a wonder bipedal monekies made it as far as they did.
Tard: This is somewhat more acceptable: cat-like, excited about fish guts, and not, I might add, a stitch of leopard print to be found anywhere in the frame. A minor improvement.
Tard: What the fucking fuck? Seriously? Leopard AGAIN and that unattractive spraying? Really? Well, no one ever said humans were perfect. Just as well, or that person would be facing a lawsuit. Still, this is one of those photos you hear about (mostly through ‘yiffing’ sites, I’d imagine) but now we’ve all seen it… and maybe cataloged it and know where to find it later when they wank off to furry-anthro photos. Which I don’t do. Because I am a cat… um…
So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, Tard the cat passing social sentencing on what is certain to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever posted on the internet. I’ve reached my final form as crazy internet cat aficionado, and functioning cat internet addict.
Little Miss Risk