You’ve had those days. The ones where you get anxiety because the mounting pressure of your life’s day-to-day threatens to overwhelm and engulf your life totally? I get those too. Normally I call them weekdays, but SOME people may just accuse me of being slightly depressed. I don’t think it has much to with being depressed as it does with feeling slightly trapped. However, I do take pride in the fact that as a self-made lady and Jane-Of-All-Trades, that because I’ve built my life this way, I should have a suitable escape plan should I ever crack under the pressure.
I’m not referring to suicide, because frankly, that’s boring and every depressed Hollywood starlet already offed themselves back in the 30′s and 40′s in flashy, baroque ways. I’d really hate to be called a copycat or get comparisons between my career and theirs drawn like a poorly composed connect-the-dots picture. No, I think the best way if I ever feel the need to go AWOL is to just fake my own death. I’ve weighted a few different options and after consulting a number of sources, the Internet, and rereading some Tom Clancy and Len Deighton, I’ve come up with a plausible method.
1. Buy A Boat, Become Au Fait With It, Play T-Pain.
About 12 months prior to the grand exit, one should purchase a small motor boat (or large motor yacht if budget allows). Make a big deal of doing your Power Squadron course, getting your captain’s license, and offer to tie up partners in the bedroom with all your fancy rope work. Crank up T-Pain’s “On A Boat” and piss off your landlocked neighbours.
2. Become A Master Boater.
Make sure you take people out on your boat. Not only does it give you sick social credit, ensure some panty dropping and that people will show up with booze and drugs in exchange for boat rides, but you can show off. Make sure you insist on safety first (or at least until the first three cocktails have gone down). Make sure everyone knows your not a great swimmer. Add that you believe in the existence of mermaids.
3. Actually KNOW How To Swim.
It’s called a ruse. Don’t be stupid and own a boat without knowing how to swim. Be sure to take lessons in a town where no one knows you if you made it to adulthood without ever learning to swim.
4. Create A New Identity For Yourself
This is like arts and crafts for a new personality! Six months prior to the time you’ll allegedly shuffle off this mortal coil, get a fake birth certificate and set up new bank accounts and in your new name. Pick a town far away from where you now live. Gradually stash between $5000 – $10,000 in your new account. Don’t forget – when you die, you can’t take it with you so be prepared to let cash and stuff you’ve got as the “Old You” go.
5. Check Yo’self
Don’t be stupid and have this bookmarked in your computer. You should leave no trace of going for a new life. All records/computers/phones will likely be searched upon your tragic disappearance. Buy a “new” used car. With cash. Distance yourself from family and friends. Start and EHarmony account and start dating someone new online in the new ID. If you make emergency calls, use a phone card and a stolen cell phone.
6. Hide Your ‘New” Car.
Fill it up and stash it where it’s no where near your car. Store a few changes of clothing in the trunk.
7. Go To Shows And Become A Scenester
Not into metal? Become a Metalhead 6 months prior to your death. Not into the symphony? Go and be seen there. Then avoid these scenes when you die.
8. Go Boating Alone The Night Of Your Demise
On a dark and stormy night, plan on going out several miles from shore. Bring an inflatable boat, oars, and an air pump on board. Stash a waterproof bag full of supplies with you that has all the trappings of your new life: ID, cash, credit cards, clothes and keys to your new home.
9. Head For Land.
Leave your boat and head to shore. Be sure to brush away your footprints. Walk backwards in the sand til you can get to your car. Change and store everything in the trunk of your car.
10. Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge.
Drive away. Do not look back. Begin your new life.
11. Don’t Fuck It Up.
Hurrah! You’ve successfully become someone else! Now for the fun role-playing part where you behave in a way totally different to the live you previously led. Do the opposite of whatever/whoever you were. Stay out of places where there will be recording and broadcastings (Superbowl/Girls Gone Wild/Oprah studio recordings). Do not get drunk and Facebook old lovers. Do not reopen your old Twitter account. If you truly want to disappear then do just that.
This is perfect for that post horrible break up, desire to start over, or you shot a man. Possibly all three of these things. While I’ve not road tested it myself, I’ve heard that disappearing at sea is the best way to go, since dragging the sea for remains is expensive. Usually if your missing for more than a few days, search parties will be abandoned due to cost. So unless a uber-millionaire really wants proof of life, then this is the way for you!
Now stay out of trouble.
Little Miss Risk