No Satisfaction

I started this year off, rather by accident, by acquiring something I didn’t want. Namely, the flu that’s been going around. After my interview with the Georgia Straight last week regarding the Tarantino Burlesque show I skipped running the errands on my list and went home where the fever took me. I spent the larger part of the next six days feverish and unable to do much beyond sweat, sniffle, and retch. Thankfully, Lola kept checking on my to make sure I wasn’t approaching a state of decomposition.

I found even though I was sleeping a lot that I was also just spending a lot of time coughing myself awake, too. The best remedy, better than NyQuil, was watching paranormal documentaries to help me pass out. They worked better than melatonin, valerian root, and whiskey combined. The most effective of these, though, was a program called ‘Monster Quest’.

Monster Quest, it should be noted, can be likened to the Lord Of The Rings trilogy; a whole lot of build up with minimal pay-off. Case in point, the episode where they are tracking the Lock Ness Monster. What’s frustrating about this is for forty five minutes your watching underwater footage of the divers in murky water, radar pings of nothing, and being shown eyewitness accounts with no evidence. At the end of the show there’s no conclusive proof either way that there is or is not anything.

Pisses me off.

Given that between Twitter and Vine my attention span has been whittled down to almost nothing, trying to stay focused and following this show in the hopes that you might actually hear a convincing argument for the existence of a yeti or the Jersey Devil kills me. So my body now does what it does best when bored; it falls into deep REM, and I find myself waking up to a laptop with a dead battery.

But I’m hoping that maybe the show producers get sneaky and stop doing shows like ‘The Real Cujo’ (wild dogs) and throw us a curve ball. Hire some fake cryptozoologists, get some SFX people in and fabricate something.  If they are going to sensationalize these subjects, for god sake, give me some kind of pay off, not just a maybe… we’ve the technology, and it’d be a good test of the SFX artist’s skills.

In the meantime, I’ll be going back to watching cat behaviour videos where all unexplained things can be chalked up to the fact that cats are nature’s jerks… but I’m holding out of a true chupacabra video.


Little Miss Risk

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4 Responses to No Satisfaction

  1. Mama Fortuna says:

    Oh, Monster Quest.

    If you require more cryptids and ghosts, I recommend ‘Destination Truth.’ The host is the BIGGEST douchebag, which perversely makes it far, far too entertaining.

    • Tristan Risk says:

      Ha! Destination Douchebag. I’m actually kind of shocked and appalled at what I will sit through that’s termed ‘paranormal documentary’. It feels like I’m trolling for the worst kind of snuff/porn on the internet and it STILL doesn’t get me off. :P

  2. Moiz says:

    glad to see you are getting better Tristan. Cheers to an epic 2014 for you my friend.

  3. KJ Shover says:

    I always laugh at those shows. “Finding Bigfoot” is another show that is good for a laugh but there isn’t any payoffs.

    A while back, Animal Planet had a few out there. There was one insinuating a megaladon shark living today, but the funny one was their Mermaids: the body found they did back in 2012. It was a cryptofakeout about mermaid evidence that was CGI in actuality. People I know and others were talking about it and how it is amazing that they have found mermaids, and that they knew they had to be real because all of the reports by sea faring folk as far back as the 1800′s. Finally the truth came out, of course, it was a “mockumentary” put on by the network. Then last year, they had the sequal, Mermaids: New Evidence. It was done well, but once again, people around here talked it up much in the same fashion on their reality, even the footage of families of them swimming together.

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