Shark Parenting Tips

Because I’m on a bit of a tear, and I was thinking about the alternative if my lady parts hadn’t decided to morph into their monthly beast I considered various parenting styles. The conclusion I came to was that I’m pretty close to a shark in that regards.

1. Good luck, kiddo

Sharks give birth three ways: live birth, egg sack, or live birth-and-egg combo. They have to get there first, without being eaten in the womb by their siblings. ┬áIf your born live, you have to boogie out of there ASAP or else mother may eat you. I personally like the idea of attaching an egg sack to a piece of seaweed and saying, “Best of luck!” and swimming off. But this is the first indicator that I’d make a GREAT parent as a shark, but it may be frowned upon eating an infant or leaving a fetus in a jar near a hospital or a playground.
2. Avoid the Chinese.

Sorry did that offend you? Probably not as much as it offends me to see tons of sharks get their dorsal fins lopped off so that people can have special soup at weddings and banquets. Apologies if that wasn’t culturally sensitive, but the first piece of advice a shark parent would give their pups (if any) would be stay out of waters where there are Chinese fisherman. On behalf of sharks everywhere, fuck you Ming Dynasty for starting this whole thing and fuck anyone who eats it contemporarily.

Yup. That’s pretty much shark parenting there for you. Not too much else to add because they are pretty terrible parents by human standards, but shit seems to work out okay for sharks. It’s not like you get emo sharks or sharks who grow up with a sense of entitlement. Maybe there’s some wisdom in their ways, after all.

Clearly, time for more coffee.

Little Miss Risk

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One Response to Shark Parenting Tips

  1. Marcel Veronesi says:

    Your shark blog is super funny. You would love the antics that the footlong Cookiecutter Shark gets up to. That little pip-squeak has a penchant for navy rubber like no other and costs the underwater armadas of the world millions as it happily chomps through rubber seals on polaris submarines as well as everything else that is bigger than it. The only clue is a circular divot out of your sub’s nose.

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