The Sad-Ass Guide To Being A Woman

Vice Magazine’s music columnist, William Cody Watson did a recent article titled ‘The Sad-Ass Guide To Being A Man’ (which you can read at Vice Magazine online here). It gave 24 alphabetical tips for guys of the Nintendo Generation (aka my contemporaries) to be a better human being. Or a human being at all. While most of this shit is considered to be the arena of your parents raising you properly, and given that most parents work, then overcompensate their offspring to offset feelings of guilt, this has generated a generation of, well, idiots. And sometimes you gotta spell some shit out.

Guys, I love you, and after reading this article/list/social criticism I figured turnabout is fair play and what’s good for the gander is good for the goose. If we want equality with our male peers, it’s time to buck up and address our own shortcomings. And as I am on equal terms as one of the fairer gender, I can damn well call out my ladies on this. So here’s MY alphabetical rebuttal, based on Mr. Watson’s article.

My pearls of wisdom. Drink up, bitches.

A

Adulthood

Welcome! This means paying bills on time, not being late, and learning to handle your booze. No one wants to sit next to the person hungover on the bus on her way to work who has to puke into her purse to avoid making a vomit slick in rush hour. This means growing up, sorting shit out, and not expecting everyone to treat you like a princess just because your dad did or you see the Kardashian’s doing it on television. Get over it, and join the rest of human race. Everyone will find you much more fun to be around and limit the amount of eye rolling in your presence.

B

Books

Yes, books. Not online articles, blogs or thick glossy advertisements from the beauty industry stapled together masquerading as monthly literature. I mean actual books. I don’t care if you reread books you were forced to in high school, or classics. But pick up something with pages and broaden your horizon so you don’t open your mouth and look like an ignorant bimbo, therby dragging the rest of us with uteruses back into the Dark Ages. Please and thank you. If you want a list of suggestions, or to borrow something, hit me up. Or check a library (yeah – I’m-too-broke-to-buy-books that excuse doesn’t fly. Library. Now.)

C

Cologne

If there is a gentleman in your life (lover/boyfriend/brother/buddy) who is Captain Clueless and thinks that Axe is a good idea, or Right Guard counts as a parfume, you’ve a civil duty to (nicely) educate him on cologne, it’s benefits, and how to wear it. The rest of the ladies will applaud you, and everyone will benefit from not breathing through their mouths around him in public.

D

 DouchebaggeryDon’t tolerate it, to cater to it, and don’t perpetuate it. Maybe these guys believe the shit they read in Maxim/FHM or what they are seeing on television. Again, our roles as educators is a valuable one. If we tolerate it, we’re basically saying it’s okay to hit other humans as a way to solve an argument, that you LIKED that slap on the ass while he was on his way to the bathroom, that ‘no’ means ‘yes’ and that a baseball hat is okay to wear on a angle like that for anyone other than hip hop artists and the mentally challenged. Guys: seriously. Just stop it, and we’ll respect you for it. Guys, if your reading this and are curious, this is an excellent read as to why we’re fed up with the stupid shit that spills out of your mouth…E

Ego

Self respect: good. Inflated sense of self worth through how much you spent on your LV handbag or Pin-Up Girl Couture dress? Needs improvement. If you’ve won the Nobel Peace Prize, I’ll give you a little leeway here, or are maybe an Olympic Athlete. But even if you are, chances are you’ve the good graces to know when to be serene, humble and not push your Betsy Johnson/Manolo Blahnik bullshit in each other’s faces. You keep it cool and trust, people will be able to see your finer qualities and not get put off by the Wall Of Conceit blocking the view.

F

Farting

Funny, and a time and a place for everything. A meeting with your bank manager to get a small business loan is not the time. Just sayin’.

G

Game Changer

Someday your prince may come… in your hair, or your eye, or mouth. But for the most part there will be that special someone you feel the deep connect with. Super vibey goodness will happen. He will change your attitude about being single, and you might find yourself getting over all those past hurts. However, just don’t forget your friends and abandon all your peeps who’s shoulders you’ve cried on, wine you consumed, and drugs you smoked that helped you on the journey to find the Game Changer. Maybe even introduce them rather than hiding out in fuck-like-rabbits-for-a-month land. Or tag them in, if that’s how it goes. But yeah, you found The One, but don’t forget your support peeps, either.

H

Handjobs

Or blowjobs. Either way, being good at one of these is a good personal hat trick to have. Not a requirement, but in the interest of having something to offer… if you expect your lover to do it for you, you should be able to offer the same. Equality and all. Again, just sayin’.

I

Immaturity

You were daddy’s princess. We get it, but I’m about to impart a sad truth. You are not a princess to the rest of the world: no one owes you a damn thing. Not a job, home, fancy designer clothes, nada. If you think they do, I invite you to travel to India, China, Africa or any other place and knock some goddamn sense into your conceited first-world self. It will do you a world of good and maybe make you grow the fuck up really fast so the rest of us don’t have to live with your entitlement bullshit. Please see ‘Adulthood’.

J

Jokes

Yes, jokes are good to have. Not just the clean one for mixed company but something for all crowds if you want to move in different circles and keep your horizon broad. A witty anecdote here about falling drunk backwards out of a window, a Oscar Wilde reference there. Mix it up.

K

Knife

Nothing is sexier than holding a knife. Nothing. If you don’t have a penis, hold a knife and BOOM there you go. I’m not talking about butterfly knives (though as a personal thing I dig those) just having all-around good knives. Leatherman tools with all the multiblades for different jobs and bread knives for loaves, and paring knives for garnishes, salads. Get a decent few blades. Even most ninjas have a katana AND a sai.

L

Love

It makes the world go round, and up and down a bit. Open mind, and open heart.

M

Manners

Please tell me that even though every time I turn on television and I see ’16 And Preganant’ or ‘Jersey Shore’ or some other form of television designed to make the general populace’s intelligence more of a dire situation we at least fall back on manners.

No?

Sorry, then your parents fucked up. I will give you the Coles’ Notes so that people will stop judging you behind your back and you can catch up to those of us who didn’t have such a gentle decent from the apes: Say please and thank you. Hold doors open for women, men, old, young. Offer your seat on the bus. Be gracious. Do not chew your food with your mouth open, nor shovel it in there. If the your salad has a piece of leaf the size of your head CUT THAT FUCKER LIKE IT OWES YOU MONEY. Jeez.

N

Narcissism

Please see ‘A’, ‘E’, and ‘I’. But really, if you can tear yourself away from creating new, taken-from-above-your-head-duck-face photos for a second, please consider the fact the world does not revolve around you. In fact I’ll forgive aforementioned stupid photo transgressions if you do one nice thing for someone else a day. Not to build karma or get brownie points, but because you can generally just consider other people instead of yourself. If EVERYONE in my generation could handle that… shit, that’d be pretty damn cool. Just putting it out there if anyone wants to take note.

O

Oral Sex

This relates to handjobs. Male or female, straight or gay, you better have a skill to offer somewhere. Conversation or card tricks will not always save your bacon.

P

Passion

(I’m going to let Mr.Watson speak for us both here. Applies to ladies as much to gents): “Ok, this is something you’re really gonna need to be a good man. I’m serious. Passion, you need it in every aspect of your life, from the boardroom to the bedroom. If you’re working, do something you’re passionate about. If you’re really into, like, concrete and pavement, then go do construction with everything you have. If you like money and fucking people or whatever, go pursue Wall Street. Just don’t go through your life, lilly-livered and spineless, always planting foot after foot on the road-most-taken, when your dreams ask you to go further, harder. Passion comes from the heart, the spirit, the soul. You need it. It should flow from you, with a musky scent. You need passion in your lovelife, homelife, nightlife. Don’t take your special someone to bed and be a cowardly fish-man, show them the time of their life, even if only for five minutes and then you pass out. You pack the passion, the passion flows from you, then it flows into the world. The world needs your passion, because there’s too many passionless people lost, who will never find their way to anywhere.”

You wonder why he/she isn’t into you? No, they can probably overlook your manners or how much money you mention you spend on them, or how great you tell he/she you are. Nope, you don’t have passion you are a hollow human. If you can’t find a fire burning inside you to create something, anything, then what have you got going for yourself?

Q

Queefs

Ah, yes. They happen. Personally, I think they are as funny as conventional farts, and even moreso. The v-fluffs are often accidental, but a true misteress of the vag can pull off these little beauties if she has mad control of her body. Guys, remember the Game Changer? The lady who can not only do this, do this in front of you, AND share a laugh? Keeper.

R

Reputation

Not the worry about ‘getting a reputation’ as was the trend when you did anything from a chaste peck on the cheek to double penetration in the 50s. No, I’m talking about how you conduct yourself in public. Yes, we’re all young, but we do grow up and if your in one place for long enough you’ll find people have long memories which have a way of remembering spectacular moments of personal failure. Just because you can untag those photos of FB does not mean that everyone who was present will forget you vomiting into a coffee cup (which was full of whiskey) and then throwing it onto the back bumper of that police cruiser. In the interest of committing Random Acts Of Awesome, just be sure to (again) do one nice/rad/kind thing a day for someone other than yourself in order to help combat any traces of a bad rep. It’s kind of like a using a white magic spell to get rid of bad juju in a decidedly less D&D kind of way. Dig?

S

Sex

Oddly enough, if you’ve got killer communication skills, or you’d like to work at these, the best way to do it is sex. All of a sudden when you find it hard to speak up before when faced with the prospect of a Cleveland Steamer, you learn to voice your opinion really fast. Possibly loudly. And a octave higher than your usual speaking voice. Because ladies (and gents) if you are usually not one to say what you like, what you don’t like when having sex you need to forget all that shit Cosmo and that other crap told you. This was the same publication that told us to EAT A DONUT OFF OF A DICK. Not even the feeder porn people bought that. Right, so nw we’ve shaken off the weird brainwashing, we know, as grown-ups, that no two people are identical, and no one can read your mind. They may be intuitive, they may be into a lot of the same things you are, but one wrong thumb in the ass and the party is done. Or started. How would you know if you don’t commuincate, riiiight? So yeah… and since there are more than 50 Shades of the rainbow, I’d suggest you make sure you know what YOU like before you try and convey that to another person. Go ahead and start your research, heh.

T

Time

You’ve finite breaths and heartbeats in this life. Make sure your not wasting them. In the off chance there is something beyond this life, and you are in conversation (limbo/hell/heaven/Newark) with another discorperal individual, wouldn’t it be embarrassing to have to acknowledge that you wasted large portions of your time? And that’s if THAT’S even what happens. So, yeah. Read a book, write one, drink a beer in the shower, serenade your neighbours, cook for someone, skip a stone, feed some critters, try and make a small child laugh at a shadow puppet, smile. Don’t fuck it up. Don’t waste it.

U

Underwear

Life is too short to wear shitty lingerie. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Doesn’t have to be uber fancy. But have some pride in yourself and give yourself a reason to have a Mona Lisa smile all day.

V

Video Games

Like cotton candy, shots, anal sex, and wearing ballet boots, video games are fine. In moderation. Time and a place for everything but if you’ve been playing WOW or Skyfall and you find your ass has worn a groove in whatever surface your sitting and your pets are dead from malnutrition put… the… controller… down. Go play outside, with other people or your private parts. Enough time has been spent in videogame land.

W

Wash

Your body, hair, face. If your worried you smell ‘down there’ and you notice something, check to make sure all the levels are right but it can always benefit from giving everything a good lather. Wash your hands before you eat, which I thought was a given but apparently it took ME getting ill to remember to impart this advice. Seriously, just do it.

X

Umm, I’ll just go with: Exercise

Yes, get some. I don’t want anyone say I’m hating on the curvy girls, or promoting unhealthy body ideals. But don’t let your body mass drop to the point your leeching nutrients from your own bones to survive, likewise don’t overload your poor skeleton with so much excess weight that your knees blow out. Just keep active and healthy. Dance, air hump, get out and walk around your hood, play fetch with a dog or small child, help a friend move. You’ve only got one body in this life and letting it go to seed or throwing it against the devil’s bedposts doesn’t do you any good. And there is a certain amount of *ahem* ego boost from the additional staying power in the boudior that comes from having a good cardio system.

Y

Youth

Chase it at your peril. Don’t forget to have fun but just combine it with the wisdom of experience. Remember when you were twenty at a festival and forgot to eat anything but somehow remembered to do those lines/take that MDMA/drink all the whiskey? Yeah, what did we learn from that? We’re older, wiser and because of that we’re top of our games now. Experience is the best teacher, and trust me, I’ve gotten an education. And I’d not trade a 20-year-old body for all my pearls of wisdom. Pearls are formed from the oyster through CONSTANT irritation, suffice to say, I’ve earned this shit. So have you. Revel in it.

Z

Zac Efron 

Yup, I don’t know who this kid either. Probably jailbait and to be avoided at my stage in life.

There you are. The ladies guide. Guys, if you want to take any notes from this, do not let me stop you. Ladies, check the original article for guys. Let’s all work together, get some good evolution happening, and not forget where we came from, and pay attention to where we’re all headed.

Thank you, and good night.

XOXO

Little Miss Risk

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One Response to The Sad-Ass Guide To Being A Woman

  1. These just get better as the road behind gets further.

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